shortest letter, but am i even getting better?

10.01.2026.


I was talking to one of my best friends, and I dropped a thought (which is a realization on my end, based on my experiences with a past flame).

It was about how we should pick someone who really really likes us because I don't want to romanticize everything I shouldn’t romanticize in the first place.

It was an innocent and harsh thought. And I didn't realize that she'd get hurt once I hit 'send'. She asked me if I told her stories about my past flame afterwards to make her feel better or because I wanted to share... 

It wasn't my intention to hurt her. I said that because that was how I was when I'm with him and the stories are connected. But I feel bad... Even though she says we're all good and there's no hard feelings.... Even when I apologized, I still feel bad...

Why am I spiraling now?

I have a hunch. 

It could be because I never got over this feeling. I never became just "okay" after a conflict, no matter how big or how small.

Is it the trauma I had with my ex? Is it because I got used to the silent treatment he did whenever we got into a misunderstanding? Is it because I let him blame it all on me and I accepted all of that? Is it because I got used to blaming myself? Is it because I think someone else's feelings matter more to me? Or is it because I never liked conflicts or hard conversations? 

How will I ever get over this?

I'm feeling anxious. It feels kind of heavy.

I don't think I got better after two years of being free from that relationship (which was also not my choice, because he ended things). 

I really am not comfortable navigating through negative situations... How can I be better? Will I ever get better? 

I don't know. 

I thought I was healed.

I think... I'm not even halfway through "healed". 





stamped and posted.


love,

me.

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