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still here in the waiting

10.10.2026. i'm not alone. i have my family. i have my relatives. i have my friends. i have me. but sometimes, it can feel lonely. i miss having a hand to hold. i miss talking about sweet nothings.  i miss having inside jokes.  i miss sharing food.  i miss listening to someone's stories. i miss being someone's "go-to" person, to share something with. i miss thinking about a special moment over and over again, smiling to myself until i fall asleep. i miss giggling and gushing over the little things. i miss looking forward to dates, to anniversaries and even birthdays.  i don't have a particular person in mind. not at all. but i wish i have someone i can call "my person".  i wish i would be comfortable. i wish he won't hurt me whether intentionally or unintentionally. i wish he would hate to see me cry... i hope he won't make me cry. i hope he would treat me well. and i hope i would too. i hope we get to spend a lot of time together and be supp...
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shortest letter, but am i even getting better?

10.01.2026. I was talking to one of my best friends, and I dropped a thought (which is a realization on my end, based on my experiences with a past flame). It was about how we should pick someone who really really likes us because I don't want to romanticize everything I shouldn’t romanticize in the first place. It was an innocent and harsh thought. And I didn't realize that she'd get hurt once I hit 'send'. She asked me if I told her stories about my past flame afterwards to make her feel better or because I wanted to share...  It wasn't my intention to hurt her. I said that because that was how I was when I'm with him and the stories are connected. But I feel bad... Even though she says we're all good and there's no hard feelings.... Even when I apologized, I still feel bad... Why am I spiraling now? I have a hunch.  It could be because I never got over this feeling. I never became just "okay" after a conflict, no matter how big or how sm...
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bigger feelings, quicker to hide

09.22.2026. I've been trying to detach lately, but this is because of work and how it has consumed a lot of my feelings, my thoughts and even my time-off. But then, I realized that I've also been feeling a little all over the place. I’ve got a list of things that are making me worry and things that I want to avoid thinking... and at the same time, I think I've gotten better with how I mask my feelings. I've gotten better at putting bandaids all over things that I won't spill anything. I've been thinking about my sibling and how much I want to reach out, how much I want to keep telling her that I'm always here for her, how much I want to help lessen her load, and how much I want to be there... without scaring her away.  All my life, I know that I'm more of the anxiously attached person. But I didn't know she's the opposite of me... who needs to be distant, to understand their feelings and be okay. I have been keeping someone's secret. Of cours...
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entry one

07.27.2026 As someone who's quiet, I sure have a lot of thoughts and a lot of things to say.  I love writing and I think I express myself way better when I have everything typed or written down. Don't get me started about my experience in public speaking or... maybe just speaking in general. Hah.  So anyway... this is me, creating a dedicated page, just to separate the raw emotions, opinions, thoughts and anything else that might not fit my personal (main) blog's vibe. stamped and posted. love,  me.
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